Friday, December 31, 2010
But instead we had another:
I am really sad. I am a lot more sad than I thought I would be. Even though, I really didn't think I ovulated, I was hopeful. The ONLY good thing is that I started RIGHT on time. I mean, almost to the hour right on time. I don't remember the last time that happened. The other bad news is because today is a holiday, the doctor's office is closed. So, in order to get a clomid refill on time the pharmacy is going to have to get a hold of the doctor for me. And... since this is my 3rd failed cycle, I really wanted a higher dosage and I don't know if the doctor will do it or not.
I'm just sad :(
I know I said I wasn't ready, but the more I think about it, the more I do really want a baby. Bailey will be 3 in 6 days and I think that makes it harder.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
1. What if I can't have another baby!? For the past 11 weeks, I have been eating better and I lost 25 pounds (actually, I lost 30 but the last 5 were just water because I was trying to win a contest and basically ate nothing for 3 days which was a very bad idea because that 5 pounds came back on in about 3 days). Anyway, for the ENTIRE 11 weeks I had NO cycle. I finally went back on provera to have a withdrawl bleed. Then, on day 5 of my cycle, I started the clomid. I honestly thought that I would FOR SURE be able to easily conceive after dropping so much weight (even though I still have about 50 to go)! And yet, NOTHING. What if something more is wrong and I can't have another baby?
2. I was talking to a friend yesterday and as I said this outloud it finally really hit home. Zach asked me the other night why I want another baby. I've been toying with this question myself. WHY? Why do I want another baby? The truth is, I WANT to WANT another baby. I feel like having another baby would be good for Bailey. She would have someone to play with, she would not be an only child. But honestly, she didn't start sleeping through the night until 5 months ago. I have literally lived the last (almost) 3 years with very little sleep. But I have SO much guilt over the fact that my baby is almost 3 and I haven't given her a sibling yet. I also struggle because I ALWAYS wanted a big family. When I was pregnant, I was already thinking about the children to follow her. But, after she was born, it was hard, REALLY hard, REALLY REALLY hard! I felt like a failure. I KNEW I would be the best mom that ever walked the planet. I had the best ideas, knew the best stuff, and I was going to be perfect. Everyone would want to take after me! But guess what? NOT TRUE! Even though I would die for that little girl, it is SO hard being a mom! So, now I feel very guilty and I pray so hard for another baby. Maybe the next baby will be easier and maybe he/she will help Bailey learn that it's good to share, I'm almost 29, so if I don't have another one soon, will I be able to have one later? This is so hard!
So, even though I would love to have another baby and I would love that baby and I would take good care of that baby, I don't know that I'm actually ready yet. But I feel like, what if God never lets me have another one because I'm not ready now?
Friday, November 19, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
I think I have too much baby on the brain and I hope I never birth a turtle, though I don't think that will EVER be possible!
However, even though no human will ever have an animal baby, when I woke up I had this overwhelming feeling that even if something would have been wrong with my baby, I still would have loved her no matter what. I know this is crazy, strange, weird, but I really felt like God was trying to show me something. That when he looks at us, he only sees the good, he only wants to help us and protect us NO MATTER WHAT WE LOOK LIKE! No matter how we act, he will ALWAYS love us unconditionally! As weird as my dream was, I really feel like it was a tool to teach me something. God loves all of his babies, even the "turtles."
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Hugs to all of you and thank you for your prayers.
Friday, August 20, 2010
last night, Zach worked late. When he got home I was talking to him and noticed that Bailey REALLY needed a diaper change. So, I just took it off right there while we were talking (she's been doing pretty good (ok, great actually for grandma) going potty in her potty) but, she does NOT do so great for me. Anyway, back to this drawn out story that should have only been one sentence. After I took her diaper off I continued talking to Zach about school and his day. Little did I know that Bailey would be running back to me a few minutes later, screaming, "Mommy, I pooped on the floor!"
Yeah, I'm that tired and that out of it. Even though the kids didn't come to school until today, we've been working all week. It was a teachable moment for mommy. Next time I will make sure to re-diaper her naked tush!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Lots of fun and very delicious! :)
Friday, August 13, 2010
Let's see, what else? I prayed A LOT that we would get a positive pg test this month. I'm still hopeful and don't want to doubt all of my prayers but I really don't feel any symptoms. I've been struggling with a bad headache since yesterday. I get this headache about once a month and I'm really scared that it's something more than just a headache. I noticed today that I've had some nerve issues. My hand has been shaking a lot and I almost constantly feel like I'm going to pass out. We took my blood pressure and it's fine. So, I don't know what else is wrong but I know there is something wrong. You know how you just have that feeling? Bailey is the love my life but she has really been trying my patience A LOT lately. I am going to miss her terribly when school starts next week. But, I think a schedule and a little break will be good. She is SUCH a mommy's girl. I am SO thankful for that but at the same time, I feel like I never have ANY space. She hangs all over me all the time and I hate that I am even writing this because I do love her so much (remember I'm really cranky today). Anyway, continue to pray for us, please. I really appreciate it. Have a great weekend.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Saturday, July 31, 2010
I did get some great advice/help from the pharmacist this morning. I called to ask if I could take 1/2 a lortab (hydrocodone) with my clomid. She said she recommends I try Omega 3 with Fish oil. She said I should take 6-8 1200 mg PER DAY! But, she said they do the same thing as Metformin PLUS they are a natural anti-inflamatory. I sure hope it works. I guess it's also good for baby development in the womb. Anything that helps, I'll try it. So, I bought some this morning and they are HUGE but cheap so it's ok :)
I guess I'll update on Wednesday after my follicle scan. I'm really nervous but I am praying it will go well.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
SO, here is what I did. Ate a slice of peanut butter toast with strawberry jelly, took all three pills in the same swallow, WITH COFFEE, at 11:14 AM. I have to just believe this will work. I've already given the hubs next weeks "schedule" haha. I really appreciate all of your prayers. I didn't forget how hard it was when I wanted a baby before Bailey but those feelings have been under a rock for a while. Now, they are coming back and I am scared.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Anyway, I'm not pregnant but I did get some good news. (Well I guess it's good). I am scheduled for a Folli scan on Aug. 4. I'm REALLY nervous. I've NEVER had a folli scan before and they are going to check for cysts too. Please, please, please pray that everything goes well. I know a good folli scan doesn't guarantee a pregnancy but I'd much rather see good follies than hear that I have a blocked tube. I also was given clomid that (as you all know) I start on days 5-9 of my cycle. I'm REALLY feeling optimistic about this cycle. Please say a prayer for us!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
I think I'm also really emotional because I am now on day 6 of the 2ww. There are babies EVERYWHERE! It seems like every other FB friend is either having their baby this week or finding out the sex of their baby this week. I really didn't think it would bother me. I have a beautiful little girl, how could I want anything more? But, I never only wanted one child. Now, I worry how long it's going to take to get another one. I don't know why I'm so upset about it but I just want to eat ice cream, not gain any weight from it, and cry. It doesn't help that there are people in my life who frequently comment "Well, maybe you can't have another one? I really don' think you will, I think something is wrong." I don't think they understand how horrible that feels. Unless you are a woman who wanted NOTHING more than to be a mom and then had to struggle to be one, you can't understand how that comment feels and even when I try to tell them that that is one of the meanest things to say, they still say it the next time we talk about me wanting another one. Anyway, I am hoping and praying that in 8 days I won't have to worry about it anymore.
And, I want to apologize to those of you who are still waiting for you FIRST one. I may not have waited as long as you but I literally was in anguish a lot worse than this, the first time around. I do understand how you feel and just know that I frequently pray for you!
Monday, July 12, 2010
Yes, this is a sandbox in my living room that I filled with water. She got a new water/sand toy from my mom yesterday. She really wanted to play with it but it's raining. So, I improvised. However, I'm sure I'll have to clean it all up before hubs comes downstairs and asks what the heck I was thinking, lol. Also, in my defense, she has been running a mid/high fever since yesterday so I feel bad for her.
You can see she is having a good time. She said "Mommy, I'm swimming in the house." Then she started laughing hysterically and said "Isn't that funny?" Her fever is a lot lower this morning but still there. I hope this cool water helps.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
I love this picture. She looks like a little football player, haha.
My baby is such a roly poly!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Today, Bailey is 30 months. I CANNOT even begin to tell you how much she has changed over the past year. She can say ANYTHING! She is SO smart and so much fun. Yes, there are days when she wears me completely out but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Her only "problem" right now is her whining. She has started whining a lot lately when she wants something. I'm hoping it's just a phase and we've been working through it. Other than that, she's just so wonderful. She's started going potty in her potty chair a lot more. Though, she still won't tell me when she needs to go so I have to remember to take her. She has started drinking out of other kinds of sippy cups which is a HUGE deal. She only would use ONE kind of cup for the longest time and they are, of course, the most expensive. So, I'm glad she's getting over that. The next big step is getting her into her own bed. I'm not working on it, but I do plan too.
I hope all of you had a great 4th. I have so much to post but I will leave you with this for now.