Thursday, August 27, 2009

First trip to the Zoo.

We took Bailey to the zoo last weekend. It was her first trip and it was SO fun to watch her! She LOVED all of the animals. Every time we got to a new animal I thought "Oh, this is her favorite" But, she was just as excited to see the next, and next, and next animal. :)

On another note:
I find each new "cycle" a little sad. Isn't that kind of silly? I mean, especially after my last post about never having time to myself and feeling like I just want to fall off the planet, some days. However, every time AF shows her self, I do admit to being a little disapointed and a little sad that I'm not pregnant. Does that even make sense? I think there is a part of me that fears B having to be an only child. Another part of me just really loved being pregnant (until about 7.5 months when I was like, ok I'm done). I also loved having a tiny baby. I admit, though that I didn't really bond with B like I should have until she was several months old. I don't know what was wrong with me. I loved her like I always did. I would have done anything for her but I just felt like something was missing in our little relationship. Recently I have discovered a love for her that I think I should have felt long ago. I think this is all part of my mood swings and the depression that I don't want to admit that I have. Still, I do think I'm ready for another baby. I just wish we had a little more money. Someday... we'll have another one. I do understand that you do have to have sex in order to get pregnant. That might be part of the problem, haha. If I could just get little B into her own bed. Now is not a good time. She has an ear infection and was just diagnosed with Eczema.
Anyone have any advice for what to do about her eczema??? I bought some Eucerin and will get the no-scent soap soon. It makes me really sad because I love her smelling like a baby and now she's not supposed to use baby lotion. So, I have decided I will still wash her hair with baby soap and wash her body with the more gentle stuff.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Always a worry

I don't really expect anyone to read this. This is just a post of my current feelings. And, it's a lot faster to type than to write. So, that said...

I find myself in bed crying myself to sleep thinking "when will this (life) get easier?" Does it? I'm pretty sure I never recovered from my post-pardom depression. It's common. More for me since I had gestational diabetes and depression runs in my family. But every time I went to the doctor they just kept saying "if you continue to feel like this come back and see us." Well that's fine but how freaking long did they expect me to feel like this before they did something about it? So, I just stopped asking, put on my happy face and acted like I was happy to receive another exam, more blood work, and waiting 2.5 hours on the doctor is not big deal, right? So, whatever, I will just feel like this and hope that it goes away.

I inherited "worry" from my dad. I love my father. He's the strongest most compassionate man I know. But, he worries. ALL the time. It's a struggle for him. Even as strong a Christian as he is he constantly worries. I praise God that my parents have finally found someone to rent their other house. They own 2 houses but obviously only reside in one of them. They finally found a good couple to rent the other one and just paid off their van so financially they are going to be doing a lot better. Still, though, I get to worry like my daddy.

Why is the most precious word I hear every day the one that gets so annoying after the 100Th time each day. Mamamamamamamamamamamamama! I longed for her to say it! But, Bailey is a momma's girl and my favorite part of the day is coming home to her. She wraps her arms around me when I get home and says "HUG!" It's the sweetest thing. But, by the time I've made dinner, cleaned our ONE room, and colored 100 pictures with her, I need a break. I don't ever get a break. I do, I think, I'm sure I do but I don't feel like I do. She clings to me. I will be sad when she doesn't but right now I wish for her to be able to play by herself for 15 minutes. Don't get me wrong, I love taking a bath with her and listening to her sing. She is our world. Shes just very busy and I have trouble keeping up. I feel like I am constantly in pain. I can't do anything more for my back so I've decided it will just always hurt and I try really hard not to complain about it but it's adding to my sadness because I can't sit and play with her for more than 5 minutes without being in so much pain I have to get up. The pills don't work anymore. Bailey is sleeping better and that is good. But, I wish that I had more time with Z and now that we live with other people (which I actually enjoy because I have people to talk to) the only time we have as a couple is at night but our little angel is right between us and we are so tired now that school has started that we can't talk to each other without waking her or moving her out of the way. So, we just go to sleep (no more babies that way either, right, haha).

I want to be a better teacher this year. I want to be more involved in my students daily work and help them more than I have in the past but it hurts. I can't stand up all day. I wish I didn't have to live in pain. But, I've managed this long.

I want more babies but honestly, can I emotionally handle it? What's wrong with me? Why do I only want to cry all the time? I feel like a bad mother because sometimes I just want to sit alone and do something that I want to do. I feel like it means I don't love her enough. But I promise, I would die for her.
(I couldn't stand the thought of someone hurting this little baby)

I hate that we have so much debt. It consumes me. I stress and fret over it all the time. Now, we sold our house and paid off a lot of stuff and still, the numbers say we still have so much left. I wanted out of it and I thought we were going to be able to get out of it sooner rather than later. But, now I am told it will take longer (and a lot at that) than I thought. So, I tell myself. "Melody, you are going to get some of this paid off and then you are going to buy a new house with a bigger house payment. So, even though you paid debt off you won't be doing any better off because you will have to pay more for a house payment." I don't know how he does it but Z always takes care of the bills and we generally have a little left over to buy groceries or whatever. But, I hate our credit cards and I wish we never even had them to begin with. But that would have been impossible when we were first married. I just thought we were going to get out from under them before we got a new house and now I guess I was reaching a little higher than that. I just don't understand how I managed to get into this situation.

I also tell myself that we have made a lot of progress and as long as we continue we are doing better than we were. But, since I inherited this worrying "gene" I will continue to feel like my life is crumbling right from underneath me. My child will have a bad mother until I feel like I can do better and I won't feel like I have the relationship I want until I have the energy to be as affectionate with him as I want him to be with me. This is no one's fault. Those stupid doctors should have just listened to me when I told them that I WASN'T feeling better! I love B and Z and I would do anything for them. I just feel like I'm always crying on the inside.

If you read this... Kudos to you! You deserve an award. I'm glad I have a place to vent and express my emotions. I probably will feel better now that I've gotten it all out.

Friday, August 14, 2009


I just want to say a HUGE Thank you to all of my bloggy friends for praying for us during this HORRIBLE 2 weeks. I can honestly say I have NEVER been so stressed out like I have been the last 2 days. I couldn't eat, I didn't sleep well, and I kept waking up sick. But, Thanks to all of the prayers, we DID close on the house today and have put the money in the bank and are looking forward to living a debt free life (minus a house when we buy again). I honestly have never felt like so much weight was lifted off of me at one time. So, I can live with my in-laws for even a year if I have to to know that we will have no debt when we move. Again, thank you so much. Those of you who were e-mailing me and giving me encouragement and praying, I really appreciate and love you!

Just to give you a little insight as to how it "went down" this afternoon... First, the buyer was almost 45 minutes late. I was told about 3 hours before closing that the buyer hadn't been told all of her closing costs yet and that we may have an issue. There is a LOT more to the story but I'm really tired right now. This whole process has completely worn me out!

My poor students have not had the best teacher the past couple of days but I am SO ready to move on now!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Back to school!

We spent the weekend in Arkansas with my family. My mom turned the big 5-0 on Thursday and we had a surprise party for her on Saturday night. It was a lot of fun and kept my mind off of other things. I don't have any pictures but my mom did get B on video singing "Twinkle, Twinkle little star" HER FAVORITE SONG!! (Bailey's that is). She is SUCH a little ham! I took her to my mom's office and she sang and danced for everyone and wanted to play with everyone's jewelry, lol. I have SUCH a girl on my hands! I also took her to see my aunt at her work where we picked up some enzymes that my uncle makes. I don't remember if I said this already or not but Bailey is allergic to anything tomato based and she LOOOOOVES ketchup. With these enzymes, I can stir them into her ketchup (they have no taste) and she gets NO rash and more importantly, NO diarrhea the next day. I'm SO thankful to have them! So, now she can eat Ketchup (dip) all the time. :)

The plan is still to close on the house on Friday but we were also promised a loan committment LAST Monday/Tuesday and have been told we will get it FOR SURE tomorrow. So, it concerns me a little that we are already a week behind and NONE of this is my or Zach's fault. We have done EVERYTHING in our power to get this done ON FRIDAY. NO LATER! We turned in ALL of our paperwork on time and have just been waiting and waiting for the lender and underwriters to get their part done. I pray for our buyer EVERY day! I pray for her safety and that she will NOT change her mind. We owe another house payment on the 15th and since closing day is the 14th I want NOTHING more than to close on that day! We NEED this house to be sold! I cannot wait to click the button to pay off some credit cards! And, Zach said he would let me do it! (He normally pays all of our bills). So, please pray for us! We REALLY need everything to go through on Friday.

Also, school starts on Wednesday and Zach and I go back tomorrow. I am always SO excited for school to start even though I am a little sad that summer is over. This year I have a few new ideas up my sleeve and I'm excited to see what the school year holds. Also, I'm EXTREMELY excited that my biggest class (Knock on wood) thus far is only 23 students! Last year it was 30! So, this is going to be a MARVELOUS year! It's so nice to be able to have more one-on-one time with my students. I really want to be able to teach them everything they need to know for 8th grade! I love my job and I'm looking forward to getting back to it (and to not be at home eating ALL the time!) Remember, I had lost 20 pounds? Yeah, I've gained all but 10 back! EERR! So, I plan to go back on somewhat of a diet when school starts.

PLEASE pray for Tiffany! Follow her story HERE and keep up with her if you like. I "met" her through the internet when I was just 15 weeks pregnant with Bailey and she has been ttc for over 3 years. This cycle could really be it for her and her husband. She received a bit of upsetting news this morning (I say it lightly because I really still think things could work out for her). I keep praying for a BFP and I ask you all to do the same. She has seen SO many of her friends get pregnant and have healthy babies. It's really her turn! Thanks for praying and supporting her!