Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Always a worry

I don't really expect anyone to read this. This is just a post of my current feelings. And, it's a lot faster to type than to write. So, that said...

I find myself in bed crying myself to sleep thinking "when will this (life) get easier?" Does it? I'm pretty sure I never recovered from my post-pardom depression. It's common. More for me since I had gestational diabetes and depression runs in my family. But every time I went to the doctor they just kept saying "if you continue to feel like this come back and see us." Well that's fine but how freaking long did they expect me to feel like this before they did something about it? So, I just stopped asking, put on my happy face and acted like I was happy to receive another exam, more blood work, and waiting 2.5 hours on the doctor is not big deal, right? So, whatever, I will just feel like this and hope that it goes away.

I inherited "worry" from my dad. I love my father. He's the strongest most compassionate man I know. But, he worries. ALL the time. It's a struggle for him. Even as strong a Christian as he is he constantly worries. I praise God that my parents have finally found someone to rent their other house. They own 2 houses but obviously only reside in one of them. They finally found a good couple to rent the other one and just paid off their van so financially they are going to be doing a lot better. Still, though, I get to worry like my daddy.

Why is the most precious word I hear every day the one that gets so annoying after the 100Th time each day. Mamamamamamamamamamamamama! I longed for her to say it! But, Bailey is a momma's girl and my favorite part of the day is coming home to her. She wraps her arms around me when I get home and says "HUG!" It's the sweetest thing. But, by the time I've made dinner, cleaned our ONE room, and colored 100 pictures with her, I need a break. I don't ever get a break. I do, I think, I'm sure I do but I don't feel like I do. She clings to me. I will be sad when she doesn't but right now I wish for her to be able to play by herself for 15 minutes. Don't get me wrong, I love taking a bath with her and listening to her sing. She is our world. Shes just very busy and I have trouble keeping up. I feel like I am constantly in pain. I can't do anything more for my back so I've decided it will just always hurt and I try really hard not to complain about it but it's adding to my sadness because I can't sit and play with her for more than 5 minutes without being in so much pain I have to get up. The pills don't work anymore. Bailey is sleeping better and that is good. But, I wish that I had more time with Z and now that we live with other people (which I actually enjoy because I have people to talk to) the only time we have as a couple is at night but our little angel is right between us and we are so tired now that school has started that we can't talk to each other without waking her or moving her out of the way. So, we just go to sleep (no more babies that way either, right, haha).

I want to be a better teacher this year. I want to be more involved in my students daily work and help them more than I have in the past but it hurts. I can't stand up all day. I wish I didn't have to live in pain. But, I've managed this long.

I want more babies but honestly, can I emotionally handle it? What's wrong with me? Why do I only want to cry all the time? I feel like a bad mother because sometimes I just want to sit alone and do something that I want to do. I feel like it means I don't love her enough. But I promise, I would die for her.
(I couldn't stand the thought of someone hurting this little baby)

I hate that we have so much debt. It consumes me. I stress and fret over it all the time. Now, we sold our house and paid off a lot of stuff and still, the numbers say we still have so much left. I wanted out of it and I thought we were going to be able to get out of it sooner rather than later. But, now I am told it will take longer (and a lot at that) than I thought. So, I tell myself. "Melody, you are going to get some of this paid off and then you are going to buy a new house with a bigger house payment. So, even though you paid debt off you won't be doing any better off because you will have to pay more for a house payment." I don't know how he does it but Z always takes care of the bills and we generally have a little left over to buy groceries or whatever. But, I hate our credit cards and I wish we never even had them to begin with. But that would have been impossible when we were first married. I just thought we were going to get out from under them before we got a new house and now I guess I was reaching a little higher than that. I just don't understand how I managed to get into this situation.

I also tell myself that we have made a lot of progress and as long as we continue we are doing better than we were. But, since I inherited this worrying "gene" I will continue to feel like my life is crumbling right from underneath me. My child will have a bad mother until I feel like I can do better and I won't feel like I have the relationship I want until I have the energy to be as affectionate with him as I want him to be with me. This is no one's fault. Those stupid doctors should have just listened to me when I told them that I WASN'T feeling better! I love B and Z and I would do anything for them. I just feel like I'm always crying on the inside.

If you read this... Kudos to you! You deserve an award. I'm glad I have a place to vent and express my emotions. I probably will feel better now that I've gotten it all out.


The Pifer's said...

I love you! Keep your chin up, I am praying!

Penny1215 said...

I understand more than you can possibly know!!!! I'm there a hundred times over!! I'm so there!! I'll pray for you!!

Ashley said...

Sending hugs your way!!!

Just Another Infertile said...

It always seems once you overcome one worry, another one is waiting to take its place. I hope you feel better soon.

Brooke said...

I too COMPLETELY understand and can relate. I feel as though I never get 'ME' time. I would love for someone to come over and watch L for a day while I go do whatever I want, but I would feel sooo guilty. I stress about our debt on a daily oh wait, HOURLY basis. Vent all you want...just remember you are not alone!!

Carrie said...

It sounds like you have so much on your plate right now! I can only imagine how overwhelemed you feel.

I have that worry gene too and it does make my days more stressful, but I think it makes me more caring, too. I bet you are the same way. Your lil' one is DARLING!

When my daughter was one and a half, she had a hard time playing by herself. It does get better, promise!