Friday, December 31, 2010

Clomid cycle 3

I was hoping for this:

But instead we had another:


I am really sad. I am a lot more sad than I thought I would be. Even though, I really didn't think I ovulated, I was hopeful. The ONLY good thing is that I started RIGHT on time. I mean, almost to the hour right on time. I don't remember the last time that happened. The other bad news is because today is a holiday, the doctor's office is closed. So, in order to get a clomid refill on time the pharmacy is going to have to get a hold of the doctor for me. And... since this is my 3rd failed cycle, I really wanted a higher dosage and I don't know if the doctor will do it or not.

I'm just sad :(
I know I said I wasn't ready, but the more I think about it, the more I do really want a baby. Bailey will be 3 in 6 days and I think that makes it harder.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

How I really feel

I've been struggling with this "issue" for some time. I've posted about this before so it's no secret that we have been trying to have another baby. I just finished my 2nd round of clomid and am now on day 15 with NO signs of ovulating. Not that it won't happen. I know that on clomid it sometimes delays ovulation for a few days. That's not what I'm worried about. I have 2 major fears at the moment.

1. What if I can't have another baby!? For the past 11 weeks, I have been eating better and I lost 25 pounds (actually, I lost 30 but the last 5 were just water because I was trying to win a contest and basically ate nothing for 3 days which was a very bad idea because that 5 pounds came back on in about 3 days). Anyway, for the ENTIRE 11 weeks I had NO cycle. I finally went back on provera to have a withdrawl bleed. Then, on day 5 of my cycle, I started the clomid. I honestly thought that I would FOR SURE be able to easily conceive after dropping so much weight (even though I still have about 50 to go)! And yet, NOTHING. What if something more is wrong and I can't have another baby?

2. I was talking to a friend yesterday and as I said this outloud it finally really hit home. Zach asked me the other night why I want another baby. I've been toying with this question myself. WHY? Why do I want another baby? The truth is, I WANT to WANT another baby. I feel like having another baby would be good for Bailey. She would have someone to play with, she would not be an only child. But honestly, she didn't start sleeping through the night until 5 months ago. I have literally lived the last (almost) 3 years with very little sleep. But I have SO much guilt over the fact that my baby is almost 3 and I haven't given her a sibling yet. I also struggle because I ALWAYS wanted a big family. When I was pregnant, I was already thinking about the children to follow her. But, after she was born, it was hard, REALLY hard, REALLY REALLY hard! I felt like a failure. I KNEW I would be the best mom that ever walked the planet. I had the best ideas, knew the best stuff, and I was going to be perfect. Everyone would want to take after me! But guess what? NOT TRUE! Even though I would die for that little girl, it is SO hard being a mom! So, now I feel very guilty and I pray so hard for another baby. Maybe the next baby will be easier and maybe he/she will help Bailey learn that it's good to share, I'm almost 29, so if I don't have another one soon, will I be able to have one later? This is so hard!

So, even though I would love to have another baby and I would love that baby and I would take good care of that baby, I don't know that I'm actually ready yet. But I feel like, what if God never lets me have another one because I'm not ready now?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010