Thursday, December 16, 2010

How I really feel

I've been struggling with this "issue" for some time. I've posted about this before so it's no secret that we have been trying to have another baby. I just finished my 2nd round of clomid and am now on day 15 with NO signs of ovulating. Not that it won't happen. I know that on clomid it sometimes delays ovulation for a few days. That's not what I'm worried about. I have 2 major fears at the moment.

1. What if I can't have another baby!? For the past 11 weeks, I have been eating better and I lost 25 pounds (actually, I lost 30 but the last 5 were just water because I was trying to win a contest and basically ate nothing for 3 days which was a very bad idea because that 5 pounds came back on in about 3 days). Anyway, for the ENTIRE 11 weeks I had NO cycle. I finally went back on provera to have a withdrawl bleed. Then, on day 5 of my cycle, I started the clomid. I honestly thought that I would FOR SURE be able to easily conceive after dropping so much weight (even though I still have about 50 to go)! And yet, NOTHING. What if something more is wrong and I can't have another baby?

2. I was talking to a friend yesterday and as I said this outloud it finally really hit home. Zach asked me the other night why I want another baby. I've been toying with this question myself. WHY? Why do I want another baby? The truth is, I WANT to WANT another baby. I feel like having another baby would be good for Bailey. She would have someone to play with, she would not be an only child. But honestly, she didn't start sleeping through the night until 5 months ago. I have literally lived the last (almost) 3 years with very little sleep. But I have SO much guilt over the fact that my baby is almost 3 and I haven't given her a sibling yet. I also struggle because I ALWAYS wanted a big family. When I was pregnant, I was already thinking about the children to follow her. But, after she was born, it was hard, REALLY hard, REALLY REALLY hard! I felt like a failure. I KNEW I would be the best mom that ever walked the planet. I had the best ideas, knew the best stuff, and I was going to be perfect. Everyone would want to take after me! But guess what? NOT TRUE! Even though I would die for that little girl, it is SO hard being a mom! So, now I feel very guilty and I pray so hard for another baby. Maybe the next baby will be easier and maybe he/she will help Bailey learn that it's good to share, I'm almost 29, so if I don't have another one soon, will I be able to have one later? This is so hard!

So, even though I would love to have another baby and I would love that baby and I would take good care of that baby, I don't know that I'm actually ready yet. But I feel like, what if God never lets me have another one because I'm not ready now?


Rachel said...

Don't be so hard on your self. I think that all Mom's and want to be Mom's feel this way.

I'm always feeling like maybe I would be a good Mom that's why I'm not yet...

I too have always imagined having at least 2 of each of course...but of course when you think you've got your whole life planned out...God has other plans...

I know that on IF journey's you hear this a lot, but know that God loves you have 2 or 20 kids...God has blessed you in thousands of ways and even-though it seem he is withholding something from you...he's not...

Have a Blessed Holiday season and be sure spoil your little sweetie. Because it's just so fun too :)

The Pifer's said...

You sweet friend are always in my prayers. :)

Love ya!

Kami said...

You are being too hard on yourself honey. If it is meant to be, it will be. I have the same issues sometimes. Am I doing the right things, will I conceive naturally since I', NEVER doing fertility again. Will my girls grow to be happy? Am I a good mommy? Every one of us go through this. If you're not ready, then take your time. Wait another year, then start again. Bailey will be older, you'll get a while to sleep in. Everything in life happens for a reason. I didn't have my first until 30. You'll be fine. I promise!


The Anglin Family said...

Don't stress about it. After I lost Ryan Elizabeth, I decided I will never touch clomid again. What will be will be and God has a plan..He knows whats in your future.:-)
Praying for you..

Just Another Mother said...

I agree. Being a mom IS hard. No matter how much you love them or how hard they were to conceive.

I am completely content with one child. That being said, I don't know how I'd feel if I could conceive easily. Would I want more than one? We can't afford IVF again emotionally or financially so the choice is really out of my hands. But I still wonder, given the choice, if I would give Maddy a sibling. My husband would hands down. I am
not so sure.