Clomid cycle 3

I was hoping for this:


But instead we had another:

cycle.

I am really sad. I am a lot more sad than I thought I would be. Even though, I really didn't think I ovulated, I was hopeful. The ONLY good thing is that I started RIGHT on time. I mean, almost to the hour right on time. I don't remember the last time that happened. The other bad news is because today is a holiday, the doctor's office is closed. So, in order to get a clomid refill on time the pharmacy is going to have to get a hold of the doctor for me. And... since this is my 3rd failed cycle, I really wanted a higher dosage and I don't know if the doctor will do it or not.

I'm just sad :(
I know I said I wasn't ready, but the more I think about it, the more I do really want a baby. Bailey will be 3 in 6 days and I think that makes it harder.

How I really feel

I've been struggling with this "issue" for some time. I've posted about this before so it's no secret that we have been trying to have another baby. I just finished my 2nd round of clomid and am now on day 15 with NO signs of ovulating. Not that it won't happen. I know that on clomid it sometimes delays ovulation for a few days. That's not what I'm worried about. I have 2 major fears at the moment.

1. What if I can't have another baby!? For the past 11 weeks, I have been eating better and I lost 25 pounds (actually, I lost 30 but the last 5 were just water because I was trying to win a contest and basically ate nothing for 3 days which was a very bad idea because that 5 pounds came back on in about 3 days). Anyway, for the ENTIRE 11 weeks I had NO cycle. I finally went back on provera to have a withdrawl bleed. Then, on day 5 of my cycle, I started the clomid. I honestly thought that I would FOR SURE be able to easily conceive after dropping so much weight (even though I still have about 50 to go)! And yet, NOTHING. What if something more is wrong and I can't have another baby?

2. I was talking to a friend yesterday and as I said this outloud it finally really hit home. Zach asked me the other night why I want another baby. I've been toying with this question myself. WHY? Why do I want another baby? The truth is, I WANT to WANT another baby. I feel like having another baby would be good for Bailey. She would have someone to play with, she would not be an only child. But honestly, she didn't start sleeping through the night until 5 months ago. I have literally lived the last (almost) 3 years with very little sleep. But I have SO much guilt over the fact that my baby is almost 3 and I haven't given her a sibling yet. I also struggle because I ALWAYS wanted a big family. When I was pregnant, I was already thinking about the children to follow her. But, after she was born, it was hard, REALLY hard, REALLY REALLY hard! I felt like a failure. I KNEW I would be the best mom that ever walked the planet. I had the best ideas, knew the best stuff, and I was going to be perfect. Everyone would want to take after me! But guess what? NOT TRUE! Even though I would die for that little girl, it is SO hard being a mom! So, now I feel very guilty and I pray so hard for another baby. Maybe the next baby will be easier and maybe he/she will help Bailey learn that it's good to share, I'm almost 29, so if I don't have another one soon, will I be able to have one later? This is so hard!

So, even though I would love to have another baby and I would love that baby and I would take good care of that baby, I don't know that I'm actually ready yet. But I feel like, what if God never lets me have another one because I'm not ready now?

description in blog comments

Trip to the doctor

Yesterday, I had to go to my OB/Gyn. It was not a horrible visit since I didn't have to have an exam. But, I haven't had a cycle for 9 weeks. Yes, this has happened to me before and I was prescribed Pro.vera for 10 days to have a withdrawl bleed. I wasn't really sure what withdrawl bleed meant so I Dr. Googled it. Here is what I found out: Basically, a withdrawl bleed is what you have on the 4th week of your cycle when you take birth-control pills. It's not a TRUE period because you didn't ovulate (or shouldn't have with your birth control). Anyway, back to my visit from yesterday. So, I went in, stood on the dreadful scale (which wasn't so dreadful since I've lost 20 pounds) and had a chat with the doctor. She said that because of my severe PCOS the fact that I have lost 20 pounds is phenomenal! Yes, she used that word. She said for someone like me to be able to lose that much weight in 6 weeks is like losing 40 pounds for a normal person who doesn't have PCOS and pre-diabetes. was really happy to hear that. She also said that women who suffer with this condition need to think of their bodies like little compact cars. I was really confused at first because she said I have "super metabolism." WHAT? I thought i had NO metabolism. She explained that my body doesn't need much food to survive. Just like little compact cars don't need much gas to go a long distance. She said I will always struggle to lose weight :( BOO! But that if I only eat 900-1000 calories per day instead of 1500 like normal women my age, that will help. I'm also now on 1500 mg of Met PER DAY! Can you believe that? I'm SO lucky that I can take the 4 dollar generic and that the generic doesn't upset my stomach! I know so many of you who take met have to take the REAL stuff! UGH! And, the "Super Metabolism" thing means that when I eat something, my body works really fast to burn it off but gets "tired" before it can burn them all. SO, if I over eat even with exercise, my body will have a hard time burning those extras. So basically I need to be a bird forever if I want to be thin. Ok, here's the good news. As soon as I start my withdrawl bleed, she is going to call in some clomid. Now that I'm on 1500 mg of Met per day I am HOPING for a BFP soon. Zach wants another baby and said that I was the best mommy ever. He makes my heart happy. I would like to lose between 20-25 more pounds before I get pregnant but since I've lost 20 in 6 weeks, I'm hoping I can lose the other 20 in a couple more months. So, we will probably start trying in January! YEAH! My Bailey was SO good at the doctor yesterday! But, it is SO funny what goes on in her little mind! She thought that the blood pressure cuff was a puppy pee pee pad. I was laughing so hard when she asked why the nurse put a pee pee pad on my arm. HAHAHAHA!

Ducks, money, and weight loss (in no particular order)

I apologize for the lack of posts. I really don't know what to write about these days. Same ol' same ol' for now. I'm still on my low-carb diet. I'll know for sure tomorrow but I think I'm down 19-20 pounds. I had about 2.5 weeks where I just couldn't lose any weight. It was like my body was teasing me with "Are you sure you can do this, can you really do it?" Yeah, I was definitely having internal conflict about it, lol. But, I figured, since I paid the money to be in the competition and I couldn't afford the entry fee in the first place, I MUST finish.

Speaking of money. A lot of things have happened at school lately and I've been asked to give money. I honestly feel very badly for the women who have been affected with cancer and the teachers who have surgery and with all my heart I would love to contribute but I just can't. I get so frustrated when people say "I'm gonna go purchase such and such for so and so and you need to give me X amount of money." Really! I get really frustrated with people who have NEVER been in my situation and never will or who have but it's been so long they have forgotten. The money I have right now is for food and car fuel. I feel bad b/c I know that if it were me they would contribute to whatever it was that I needed but right now, I just can't. Last year when we lived with Zach's parents we always had money and I gave above what was asked of me so hopefully no one expects me to be able to continue to do that. Good news... next paycheck will have us ALL caught up and we will be doing MUCH better from here on out.

Now on to the fun stuff. I took Princess Bailey to the park yesterday and we fed the ducks. It was SO funny to watch her. She was kind of scared b/c they literally flocked us after the first slice of bread made its way down the hill!

Ballerina and painting

We hung about half of our Christmas lights this weekend. It was really funny because the neighbors were driving by and STOPPING to talk to us about our lights. Zach really takes pride in making our house look AWESOME. It was a little nuts to me to be putting them out the day before Halloween but (and don't tell him I told you this) it was kind of fun helping him. I have had a cold for a few days so I had to go in and rest for a little while but I did help some.

We are not really big on Halloween but we did let Bailey dress up and help pass candy out. I tried to take her trick-or-treating around the neighborhood but she really wasn't interested in talking to strangers (aka, neighbors). So, she just wanted to help daddy pass candy out on the front porch. She was SO cute. See for yourself:

This is my favorite one. I love her little (or not so little) thighs!

Last Friday was my dad and my little sister's birthday. Yesterday, I took Bailey to a place called "Purple Glaze" to paint a gift for my dad. She chose a puppy. LOL! Here are a couple pictures of her painting. (and a picture of me in my new glasses). I can see! :) And yes, I know she is a mini-me!

I am so excited to go visit my family back in Arkansas this weekend! We are having a family birthday party for my dad and sister. It should be lots of fun. Oh, and I lost about 1 more pound. Not great but I'm almost down 20 so I'm happy about my overall loss. Have a great week!

Itchy, Itchy, Itchy

No, we don't have chicken pox! I did, however, have to go to the dermatologist on Wednesday. I have Tinea Versicolor. It's not a fungus (that's what Tinea means, fungus). But, its not. It's a rash that shows up about every 6-12 months on various parts of my body, my neck, back, tummy, chest. So, the derm gives me a REALLY strong medicine for it and it makes me ITCH like crazy! Luckily I only have to take it for 4 days in a row and it's only one pill per day. Today is day 4 and I guess I need to go take my pill. I will be SO glad when it's over! I also went to the eye doctor on Wednesday and in about a week, I will have glasses. I have NEVER worn glasses or contacts before so I'm not sure how I feel about it but I will be glad not to squint anymore. My eyes aren't that bad either. But, I've been having headaches a lot and they are pretty bad so I hope this helps. I've also lost about 15 pounds and Zach says he can tell so that makes me feel good!

+3 makes ...

12. That's how much weight I have lost since I started this diet. I am a little discouraged because after losing 9 last week, 3 seems like nothing. However, the cramping has started so I assume I am about to start which could be part of the issue! Either way, I can't complain about a 12 pound loss and the fact that my skirt wasN'T tight this morning!

9

OK, I lost 9 pounds last week! Can you believe that? Well, if you knew how much I weighed I'm sure it would be no shock! But, I think I am under everyone on the "real" Biggest Loser now :)

I did it

So, I didn't want to do this but I did anyway. We started a "Biggest Loser" challenge at work. I was SO not in the mood to go back on a diet but I did it. It's been a week and I've lost almost 1o pounds. I have been walking every day and eating NO sugar. I feel SO much better, have SO much more energy and am hoping if I can lose 40 pounds to get back to where I was when I got pregnant with Bailey, it will help me get pregnant again too. Other than that, nothing really exciting is going on. Bailey has had a 24 hour stomach bug. She threw up so hard last night that she was shaking and coudn't stand up. It was pretty scary but this morning I walked to wal-mart and bought her some liquid anti-nausea medicine for kids. She seems to be so much better today. I hope all of you are having a great weekend. I'm looking forward to FALL BREAK in a week and a half!

PCOS diet

OK, I am seriously considering the PCOS diet. I have done just a very small amount of research and there are several PCOS diets to choose from. I obviously can't afford th $522.00 one! Also, I think it's COMPLETELY ridiculous that they would charge that much just because they know that infertile women will pay it to have a child! I feel like that is a huge rip-off and even if I could afford it, I wouldn't because I'm sure they are profiting at least 400 dollars! Anyway, to get off of my soap box... I would like to try one of the PCOS diets. Any suggestions?

What if she's the only one?

When I was pregnant with Bailey I remember feeling SO happy that I was pregnant. I was absolutely thrilled that God had given us this baby and we were finally going to be parents. The two things in life I wanted more than anything were a husband and a child. But I didn't want just one child. And, like most of you, I NEVER expected to have trouble having as many babies as I wanted. But, that just didn't happen. So, I now sit and wonder if this beautiful child will be my only child. I love her more than anthing! We couldn't have picked a more beautiful child. She's smart and funny and keeps me VERY busy. But I don't want her to be the only one. Now, I have other problems too. I worry about money ALL the time. We have problems in our marriage. Ok, no, that is not true, I have problems! I have issues! I have hurts and wounds that won't heal. I don't have any real desire to not be married to my husband. I just need my heart to feel better. I feel like I need to solve all of my problems on my own b/c God isn't helping me. I want another baby :( I want to be happy, and I want enough money in my checking account to be able to buy things we need. Maybe, I need a bigger dose of "happy pill."

Never EVER...

leave peanut butter open on the counter!

Not even for a MINUTE!

Date Night

Last night was great. I don't know why I felt like this was so different than any other dinner out except that we left Bailey with grandma! We ate dinner at spaghetti warehouse and we spent too much money but it was worth it. I am feeling a lot better and hoping that things only get better from here. Thank you for all of your love and support. I am thankful that "I am woman" but that means more emotions too. I have been SO down lately and so upset/angry/sad that having just this one night really lifted my spirits.

sadness

Today is a bad day. I couldn't stop crying all the way to work. I haven't had my "happy pill" for 3 days so I took one this morning and hope it helps. I don't really feel right letting the whole world know what happened over the weekend. But, no one died or anything that horrible. And, all seems to be better now with the situation I've been going through but I have a fear of it coming back. I'm extremely stressed out and overwhelmed. I feel like sleeping for 3 months and waking up in a better place. Just please pray for me. I'm struggling right now. Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I just don't know what to say.

Blessings

We don't get paid until Sept. 10 and haven't had any paychecks since July 10. Yeah, I know! I sucks! Needless to say, things are VERY tight, more than tight! We won't be caught up for a while even after we get paid. Usually, one of us gets a paycheck on Aug 25th because school starts before Aug 15th. But, this year we didn't start until the 18th so no paychecks in August. Also, we usually get a stipend in August that equals almost a full paycheck for each of us. but, this year because there have been SO many budget cuts at the schools, we didn't get that either. I am STRESSED! The only good thing that has come from this is that I feel like we have really had to work together, we have BOTH had to be aware of our financial situation and we have had to rely on each other not to over spend. That's really hard for me (not over spending but not worrying about how much will be spent) I always worry about how much we have or don't have. But we have done ok. And, I'm thinking by the time we get our first October paycheck we should be all caught up and doing ok again. But, it's hard. Cooking almost every night and not being able to eat out when I'm tired, it's hard. Not being able to go do anything b/c everything costs money. It is NOT fun. But, yesterday I had a little blessing. I checked my mailbox when I got to school and there was an envelope in there. Inside I found a blank piece of paper and a wal-mart gift card for $50.00. I seriously almost cried. It was a huge blessing because I was able to get gas in one of the cars AND get some groceries that we needed. We are going to make it but I cannot wait until fall (and not just for the cooler weather!)

What do you dream about?

I have always had a tendancy to have odd, strange dreams. But, I think this one is about the strangest. I have several friends who have or will undergo IVF. I have not had IVF, however. Anyway, of all of my friends who have, only one has not gotten pregnant and the ones who have ALL have beautiful babies! (Mostly girls). Anyway, last night, I had a dream that one of my IVF friends, had her baby. But... it was not a baby, it was a turtle. Literally, a real turtle! NOT a human! She was SO thrilled to have finally had her baby that it was if she didn't even realize it was a turtle and not a human. I was completely freaked out! I kept thinking, how can she love that "baby" so much? It's not even a baby! I thought, it's a freaking turtle, let the hospital keep it as a pet. I thought she was absolutely crazy for even caring at all about the turtle.

I think I have too much baby on the brain and I hope I never birth a turtle, though I don't think that will EVER be possible!

However, even though no human will ever have an animal baby, when I woke up I had this overwhelming feeling that even if something would have been wrong with my baby, I still would have loved her no matter what. I know this is crazy, strange, weird, but I really felt like God was trying to show me something. That when he looks at us, he only sees the good, he only wants to help us and protect us NO MATTER WHAT WE LOOK LIKE! No matter how we act, he will ALWAYS love us unconditionally! As weird as my dream was, I really feel like it was a tool to teach me something. God loves all of his babies, even the "turtles."

The day AF showed up.

Would be today. I'm ok. Thanks for thinking of me. I really wanted an April baby. REALLY! But, I also really need to lose at least 40 pounds. As big as I am, that won't take long. Maybe if I start exercising we'll get our little bundle. I'm sad, but I took a "happy" pill today (I went off of them when I thought I could be pregnant) so I think that is helping me "cope" today.

Hugs to all of you and thank you for your prayers.

Tired

I am WORN OUT! I LOVE my job. I'm super excited to be back at school, back on a routine, back to having my baby run to me like she hasn't seen me for a week when I get home from school. TODAY, school started! Today, the flow should come, but she hasn't. Are we surprised? Everyone say it with me... NO! I'm always late, never early :). But really, I'm so happy right now. Happy to be on a schedule, happy that paychecks will soon be back in our lives, happy to meet my little girl every day when I get home (oh, I think I already said some of that). Anyway, what I really wanted to blog about...

last night, Zach worked late. When he got home I was talking to him and noticed that Bailey REALLY needed a diaper change. So, I just took it off right there while we were talking (she's been doing pretty good (ok, great actually for grandma) going potty in her potty) but, she does NOT do so great for me. Anyway, back to this drawn out story that should have only been one sentence. After I took her diaper off I continued talking to Zach about school and his day. Little did I know that Bailey would be running back to me a few minutes later, screaming, "Mommy, I pooped on the floor!"

Yeah, I'm that tired and that out of it. Even though the kids didn't come to school until today, we've been working all week. It was a teachable moment for mommy. Next time I will make sure to re-diaper her naked tush!

Day 28

Well, I'm on day 28. The flow should start tomorrow (but won't because it's NEVER on time). I'm having cramps so I am almost positive I'll get a BFN. But, I only have one test so I am going to wait until Tuesday to test. That way, hopefully if I'm not pg I will have started by then and if I am the test will show up correctly. That's all for now. Maybe a better update soon :)

The Fall, The Smack, The Birthday, and The MLA

Yesterday, DH offered to shampoo the carpets. I was more than happy to teach him how to use the carpet cleaner. He's a lot more thorough than I am. I speed clean our entire house EVERY day. Load/unload the dishwasher, do some laundry, cook a meal... you know, you are women too :). But, when Zach does something he does it really well. So I knew the carpets would look GREAT when he finished (and they do). But, while I was filling up the tank that holds the water and the cleaning liquid, I had to lay the handle on the floor for a second and some water leaked out onto Bailey's bathroom floor (that's where I was filling up the carpet cleaner). I didn't know water had leaked out so when I tried to stand up, I fell and look what I got...

I know, pretty huh? So, yes, it hurts and I hope it heals soon!

Then, this afternoon (after Bailey and I spent a lot of hours working in my classroom and are both tired) we came home and Bailey ran SMACK into the dining room table. You can't tell so much in this picture but she has a nice goose egg above her right eye. :( Really sad. She said "Mommy, I'm crying." Poor baby, I felt so bad! But, I'm GLAD it wasn't her eye!

Now, something happier. Yesterday was Dora the Explorer's birthday. Yes, really! I don't make this stuff up. They had a birthday movie on TV last night too. Zach decided that he and Bailey would make a birthday cake for Dora. SO CUTE! I love when he does stuff like this with her.

Lots of fun and very delicious! :)

And finally, THE MLA! For those of you who don't know, MLA is a type of formatting in writing. (I teach English so I care about this stuff, lol). Anyway, if you are SUPER curious about MLA, you can check out THIS website. We use MLA a lot at school because our students have to write a research paper and we teach them MLA in order for them to format it correctly. It has to do with spacing, how to citation page, and how to put headers and footers on your paper. well, the LOVELY people at MLA have now decided that instead of putting 2 spaces after a period in a sentence, you should only put one. I don't even know if I physically can do it. I am SO trained to put 2 spaces at the end of a sentence that I don't even think I can do it. I am honestly debating teaching my students the new way or continuing with the old way. Now, to some this doesn't seem like a big deal but think about it this way. When you use a comma, you space once, and then move on with your sentence. A comma is NOT an end of a sentence. A period IS the end. In my opinion, the visual is helpful to the students. It lets them see the difference between using a comma and using a period. Maybe it's just me but sometimes these "educational decisions" are made by people who haven't been in a classroom since they graduated. They make a lot more money than me to make my life harder. EERR!

hmmm

I don't have a lot to post but I figured I'd update just because. I'm extremely cranky today. I have some reasons. Number one, we could REALLY use a paycheck. I am feeling really stressed. When school starts, and we start getting paid again, we are going to be doing really well (as long as we are careful and don't spend just because we have it). But, right now, we've NEVER been in this type of financial prediciment before. I know we are going to be ok and by the time our next baby comes we will be fine.
Let's see, what else? I prayed A LOT that we would get a positive pg test this month. I'm still hopeful and don't want to doubt all of my prayers but I really don't feel any symptoms. I've been struggling with a bad headache since yesterday. I get this headache about once a month and I'm really scared that it's something more than just a headache. I noticed today that I've had some nerve issues. My hand has been shaking a lot and I almost constantly feel like I'm going to pass out. We took my blood pressure and it's fine. So, I don't know what else is wrong but I know there is something wrong. You know how you just have that feeling? Bailey is the love my life but she has really been trying my patience A LOT lately. I am going to miss her terribly when school starts next week. But, I think a schedule and a little break will be good. She is SUCH a mommy's girl. I am SO thankful for that but at the same time, I feel like I never have ANY space. She hangs all over me all the time and I hate that I am even writing this because I do love her so much (remember I'm really cranky today). Anyway, continue to pray for us, please. I really appreciate it. Have a great weekend.

Day 18

Well, I am now on cycle day 18. I never had any symptoms of ovulation. But, I did see my little folli's at my scan on day 13. I'm not really concerned about the lack of symptoms because I don't really remember having them with Bailey either. I am really crampy today, though. I don't know if that means I'm ovulating really late or what. We have stopped trying though after about day 15. We figure if (ok, he figured) if I hadn't by then, then I wouldn't or it was too late. But, it's ok. I prayed and prayed and prayed for a positive this month. I know God has a reason for things. I just hope he blessed us. I would be EXTATIC. I just thought I'd give you all an update. I guess symptom-wise, it's a little early to tell anything but I do feel really bloated and have kind of a bad stomach ache today. With Bailey I was only sick 4 times AND I didn't have sore anything! It was a WONDERFUL pregnancy. But, in the beginning when I wanted to feel something SO badly, it was hard to have no symptoms because I just wanted to know my baby was ok.

Follicle Scan

I had my follicle scan this afternoon. It was nothing like I expected. My doctor is out of town so I had to see her colleague. She was VERY nice and she explained to us what PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome actually means. So, out comes "wandy." Don't act like you don't love the dildo cam as much as I do! Zach went with me and I was glad to have some support and glad for him to be able to hear what the doctor had to say as well. Anyway, my lining looked great (but she didn't tell me what it was). I have several little follicles and 2 that she measured. I went into this thinking I should have like 20! She only measured 2. But, she said that really in normal women who ovulate regularly there is one dominant one that releases, is fertilized, reaches the uterus, and attaches, so I guess 2 is good??? I really don't know. Like I said, I had several small ones and the two she measured were 9.9 and 15.9 (one on left, one on right). So, technically they could both release, both fertilize, and both become babies. I just would be thrilled to have ONE! At least I have some ready to release! Please continue to pray for us.

Done!

Today is CD 9 Clomid Day 5. I finished! Day 4 was GREAT. I felt really good most of the day. I think I'm having some blood pressure issues because several times, I felt really bad and had some split seconds of feeling like I was blacking out. But, I was so happy to be rid of the headache! Today, it has graced me with it's presence again! I don't really think this is related to the clomid. I kind of think I haven't been drinking enough water. I hope the clomid works even though I've not always taken it with water.

I did get some great advice/help from the pharmacist this morning. I called to ask if I could take 1/2 a lortab (hydrocodone) with my clomid. She said she recommends I try Omega 3 with Fish oil. She said I should take 6-8 1200 mg PER DAY! But, she said they do the same thing as Metformin PLUS they are a natural anti-inflamatory. I sure hope it works. I guess it's also good for baby development in the womb. Anything that helps, I'll try it. So, I bought some this morning and they are HUGE but cheap so it's ok :)

I guess I'll update on Wednesday after my follicle scan. I'm really nervous but I am praying it will go well.

E-M-O-T-I-O-N-A-L me. (and an ADORABLE photo)

Ok, I am now on cycle day 7, clomid day 3. The headache is gone! YAYYYY! I'm still a little dizzy, and I haven't had any more cramping. But, today, I just want to cry. I'm not sad, I just feel really emotional. We went to wal-mart to buy groceries and Bailey was cranky because she was hungry so I stopped in at the McD's inside walmart and got her a hamburger. She acted MUCH better after getting some food in her tummy but I was a wreck. I was trying to shop for groceries without spending much money. I can hardly wait for school to start and normal paychecks again. I know come September we will be fine but until then, I feel really poor. So, there I am, standing in the pasta aisle and my child starts screaming for sponge.bob maccaroni. Of course, it's 60 cents more than just regular mac and cheese AND, I have four boxes at home of regular. But, I can't take it so I throw it in the basket and move on stopping for a second to wipe some tears. I know it's the medicine, I know it is but I can't talk myself out of these emotions. I'm still really positive. I can't even consider this not happening for us. I honestly feel that we are going to have another baby and I can deal with this. I'm so happy that I have only 2 days of clomid left.

Also, I have to share this picture with you. Zach made these for Bailey and I LOVE them. I am so in love with her! She makes my heart happy. :)

Headache, Dizziness, Cramping

Cycle days 5 and 6 have not been wonderful. I'd like to say right now that I'm not complaining. I understand the side-effects of this medicine and I am willing to take it to have another baby. That said, I am completely miserable right now. I don't even think this headache is related to the medicine. I really think it's because I have low progesterone. I started to worry about it becausse this cycle was really short and very light. But then I realized... the cycle I just had is in the past, we're working toward the next one. What happened during this one, really doesn't matter. I am SO optimistic about this cycle. I'm really praying and hoping and praying some more that we can give Bailey a little brother or sister in April. I am looking forward to cycle day 10! I will be done with my clomid!! It's been over 3 years since I took this stuff and I have NO idea how I felt back then. I don't remember any side-effects! Not that it means I didn't, I just don't remember. Please continue to pray for us!

What time is it?

I was so nervous about taking my clomid this morning. I kept thinking, do I take it with my met? Do I take it with my Pre-natal? Do I take it with food? Do I have to drink water? AAHH! What time is it? Do I need to make sure I write down what time it is and take it at the same minute EACH day? AAAHH! I have a meeting to go to on Friday. Will I have to make sure I remember to take it at the same time during my meeting? Should I set an alarm on my cell phone?

SO, here is what I did. Ate a slice of peanut butter toast with strawberry jelly, took all three pills in the same swallow, WITH COFFEE, at 11:14 AM. I have to just believe this will work. I've already given the hubs next weeks "schedule" haha. I really appreciate all of your prayers. I didn't forget how hard it was when I wanted a baby before Bailey but those feelings have been under a rock for a while. Now, they are coming back and I am scared.

Documenting

I've been documenting EVERYTHING about this cycle on a blog draft. Tomorrow I start the fertility medicine. I know it's only day 4 but when I was trying to get pregnant with Bailey I remember constantly searching for early pregnancy symptoms. So, this time, I decided I would start documenting from day 1. PLEASE pray for us. I really want a positive outcome!

Right on time

So, I did start right on time! Can you believe it? Yeah, me either. Anyway, I start the clomid on Tuesday. I'll keep you posted on my mood and if my husband can stand to be around me by the time I'm done taking them on Saturday :).

Adding to our family Update:

I went to the OB this afternoon to take a pregnancy test. I'm technically not supposed to start my cycle until tomorrow but you all know how that goes! None of us that struggle to get pregnant EVER have normal cycles. So, I got to the doctors office and started spotting. It's ok because on the way, I prayed that whatever happened, I would have peace about it. As soon as I went into the bathroom to pee in the cup, I knew I wasn't pregnant. I was ok. Partially because Bailey was with me and she was VERY distracting b/c she was terrified of the elevator and then terrified when she realized where we were b/c she HATES Dr's offices.

Anyway, I'm not pregnant but I did get some good news. (Well I guess it's good). I am scheduled for a Folli scan on Aug. 4. I'm REALLY nervous. I've NEVER had a folli scan before and they are going to check for cysts too. Please, please, please pray that everything goes well. I know a good folli scan doesn't guarantee a pregnancy but I'd much rather see good follies than hear that I have a blocked tube. I also was given clomid that (as you all know) I start on days 5-9 of my cycle. I'm REALLY feeling optimistic about this cycle. Please say a prayer for us!

When it's too hot to play outside...

You go to Dollar Tree and spend 10 dollars on inside things. The heat index has been well over 105 for a few days. We can't go outside more than 10 minutes without her wanting to come back in. So, I decided we needed some inside things to do. I just can't let her watch cartoons all day!Bailey is actually REALLY good at stringing beads onto the pipe cleaners. I was afraid her fingers would be too small but she made a bracelet all by herself and had a lot of fun.

Look in your dictionary...

,turn to the page that reads "Terrible Twos," look at the picture. That's my child. I feel horribly about this! I really do! I honestly don't know what to do with Bailey. She is extremely opinionated. She SCREAMS if she wants something and I can't get it for her RIGHT THEN. This is a very hard time for a mommy. I do have a plan, though. Bailey isn't very regimented. We have no schedule. We don't eat on a schedule, sleep on a schedule, or play on a schedule. It's my fault but it's because I don't work over the summer (and neither does Zach) so we don't really have anything to do. I think Bailey is suffering though and I'm really emotional about it. I need to get her on a schedule. I have decided to print out some clocks and make a chart for her with stickers. I'll decide when we are going to do things like meals, snacks, bath, bed, and naps. Even if I set times between 9-10 for snack or whatever, at least we will be more structured than we are now.

I think I'm also really emotional because I am now on day 6 of the 2ww. There are babies EVERYWHERE! It seems like every other FB friend is either having their baby this week or finding out the sex of their baby this week. I really didn't think it would bother me. I have a beautiful little girl, how could I want anything more? But, I never only wanted one child. Now, I worry how long it's going to take to get another one. I don't know why I'm so upset about it but I just want to eat ice cream, not gain any weight from it, and cry. It doesn't help that there are people in my life who frequently comment "Well, maybe you can't have another one? I really don' think you will, I think something is wrong." I don't think they understand how horrible that feels. Unless you are a woman who wanted NOTHING more than to be a mom and then had to struggle to be one, you can't understand how that comment feels and even when I try to tell them that that is one of the meanest things to say, they still say it the next time we talk about me wanting another one. Anyway, I am hoping and praying that in 8 days I won't have to worry about it anymore.

And, I want to apologize to those of you who are still waiting for you FIRST one. I may not have waited as long as you but I literally was in anguish a lot worse than this, the first time around. I do understand how you feel and just know that I frequently pray for you!

Just in case...

you doubted my coolness as a mom...


Yes, this is a sandbox in my living room that I filled with water. She got a new water/sand toy from my mom yesterday. She really wanted to play with it but it's raining. So, I improvised. However, I'm sure I'll have to clean it all up before hubs comes downstairs and asks what the heck I was thinking, lol. Also, in my defense, she has been running a mid/high fever since yesterday so I feel bad for her.

You can see she is having a good time. She said "Mommy, I'm swimming in the house." Then she started laughing hysterically and said "Isn't that funny?" Her fever is a lot lower this morning but still there. I hope this cool water helps.

5 years ago today...

OK, I know these pictures are HORRIBLE but our photographer was AWFUL as well. Still, I've never shown these on here so here you go :)

Happy 5th Anniversary, Zach! I love you so much.

Rain and The Hula

Zach's step-mom bought Bailey this little outfit. It is SO adorable. Bailey says "Now I can show everyone how to do the Hula!" She's so funny. The second picture isn't supposed to be black but apparently the camera has a mind of it's own this morning. Her face was so cute in it though that I put it on here anyway. I'm sure the hubs can fix it later. He's pretty good about that.

It's been raining a lot lately. The other day, since there was no lightning (in case you are going to ask like my M-i-l did, lol) I let Bailey play in the rain. She had a GREAT time, as you can see...

I love this picture. She looks like a little football player, haha.

My baby is such a roly poly!

Peek-A-Boo

Bailey has been taking swimming lessons this summer too. She's had 3 lessons now and she's doing GREAT. I don't have any pictures becuase the girl comes to my mother-in-laws to do the lessons so it really just looks like more pictures of her in "memaw's pool." Yesterday's lesson was putting your face in. She wasn't too fond of that but she lived... Imagine, she lived, lol. She's a little drama mama and she cracks me up. She sometimes acts like the smallest things will kill her. Last night, her blanket fell off of her and she was screaming bloody murder until I covered her back up. I love her so much! She's the best thing ever.

Also, we got a new car! It's a Buick Rendezvous. This is NOT ours but it looks exactly like this, color and all. WE LOVE IT! It's a 7 passenger and has a great warranty. It also dropped our insurance by over 400 a year and the payment is the same as our old car. SCORE! :) Now, we have room for that baby brother Bailey keeps asking for. I hope it happens soon. I really want aother baby!

SO much to post...

One year ago today...We bought a "Happy Half Birthday" cake for Bailey. She was just 18 months old. She was so much smaller and so cute. A year later, she is still SO cute!

Today, Bailey is 30 months. I CANNOT even begin to tell you how much she has changed over the past year. She can say ANYTHING! She is SO smart and so much fun. Yes, there are days when she wears me completely out but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Her only "problem" right now is her whining. She has started whining a lot lately when she wants something. I'm hoping it's just a phase and we've been working through it. Other than that, she's just so wonderful. She's started going potty in her potty chair a lot more. Though, she still won't tell me when she needs to go so I have to remember to take her. She has started drinking out of other kinds of sippy cups which is a HUGE deal. She only would use ONE kind of cup for the longest time and they are, of course, the most expensive. So, I'm glad she's getting over that. The next big step is getting her into her own bed. I'm not working on it, but I do plan too.

I hope all of you had a great 4th. I have so much to post but I will leave you with this for now.