Tuesday, September 13, 2011
I am living in denial. About this baby, that is. I'm not fearful of losing it. I mean, I guess that's not completely true because I think to some extent all mothers have some fear of losing their baby. The feeling I have is more of a disbelief that in 5 1/2 months I am going to have 2 children. What if I love one of them more than the other? What if I push the older one away because she is too rough and I'm tired? What if I have severe post-pardum depression again? What if breastfeeding makes me feel violated like last time and I can't do it? Every time I have these thoughts I think about how most people do not just have one child. We (most of us) start with one and then have more. Before I was married I wanted a whole housefull of kids. I was ALWAYS babysitting and I just knew my life would never be complete without LOTS of kids. But, it's hard. It's very hard to be a mom. And, when Bailey was little and I was so depressed there were honestly days when I didn't think it was worth it. Of course, that was a passing thought but still, I just don't believe that I am about to have 2 children. However, I can feel the one inside me moving around so this must be a passing thought as well...
Posted by Melody at 6:20 AM