Update

On life. Well, I'm not pregnant, AGAIN! Who is surprised? Well, me, actually. I prayed so hard, and thought for sure this would be it. But, no. I know there is a reason and the only reasons I can think of are scary and bad so I hope that is not the case. Other than that, nothing major has been going on. We had a GREAT weekend. We spent Friday evening with our good friends and their new baby. He is SO cute and I just don't know what we are going to do with a boy. (as if he's mine) but all of us have girls! I'm sure he will be spoiled rotten. On Saturday, my family drove in from Arkansas. It's really not that far, only about an hour and 20 minutes. We had dinner with them and that was fun. My dryer went out and OF COURSE, Bailey wet on our bed sheet AS SOON as I put it on the bed (She thinks it's "cute" to wet the bed now that she's met our friends new baby). Then, she woke up about an hour after she fell asleep and threw up ALL over the fresh sheet. So, when my dryer went out it was HORRID! Luckily, my inlaws have an extra one so they brought it over and I, again, had clean sheets. Bailey sometimes throws up in the middle of the night (I mean, I know all kids do but her's is somewhat frequent). We don't know why but after a few minutes she is fine and goes back to sleep. I do feel like I have so much to say but I'm having a blood sugar episode at the moment and my snack hasn't kicked in yet so everything feels jumbled in my head. Maybe I'll come back and finish this a little later. :)

Bailey Is

3 years, 2 months, 2 weeks old! But she is so much more than that. I blog so much about wanting another baby and I do want one so badly, but I can't forget the beautiful little girl I already have.

Here are some things about Bailey:
~She makes me laugh EVERY single day! Whether she is making up a song or a story, or just talking to me, she makes me laugh!
~She tells me "I love you mommy" at least 3 times EVERY day. It's so random and I love it so much. She may not fully understand love but she understands that it is something special and that it means we take good care of her.
~Bailey is incredibly smart! She knows all of her shapes, colors, numbers, and some of her letters. She is SUPER great at finding games on daddy's android phone and she is becoming master of the leapster.
~She is SUPER high maintenance. Not so much with the way she looks but with EVERYTHING else. If she wants something, she WILL have it or everyone involved WILL hear about it. She is INCREDIBLY strong-willed!
~I know I am her mother, but Bailey is beautiful. STILL, when walking through the store, people will stop me to tell me how beautiful she is.
~She LOVES to dance! My Bailey will dance and dance and dance. She is obsessed with Angelina Ballerina and will not sit down for entire episodes because she is dancing (another thing that makes me laugh, how cute she is when she dances).
~Her favorite show is Little Bear. We have (as of right now) 31 episodes on our DVR. She watches little bear first thing in the morning and right before bed, at night. Also, at nap time.
~Speaking of nap time, Bailey has NEVER been on a schedule so some days we take naps, some days we don't.
~Bailey started sleeping through the night at 2 1/2. Literally, on July 6 (the day she turned 2 1/2) she slept through the night. I was terrified something was wrong with her b/c she didn't wake up the 3 times that she had been for what felt like ETERNITY!
~We just found out that she has a lazy eye that she will need surgery for. I was so sad when the doctor told me that. It's not bad at all right now. In fact, most people are like "WHAT?" When I tell them b/c they can't tell. We see her every day so sometimes we notice it and the eye doctor said eventually she will have to have surgery (probably when she starts school in a year and a half).
~I tell her ALL the time that she is my favorite. And I mean it! So, when we do have another baby, I will just have to tell them both, (in secret of course) :)
Those are just a few things about my little girl. I feel absolutely blessed beyond words to have her!

Death, Birth, Life

This was my Tuesday.

We lost an angel from work last week. One of my co-workers, fellow teachers, died last Thursday. She was only 58. We knew her cancer was back and there wasn't much they could do. We knew she wasn't going to make it. I didn't think I would be so upset. She was honestly the sweetest, nicest, most caring person I have ever known. She loved everyone and would do anything for any of us. I attended her funeral on Tuesday morning. It was so sad.

After the funeral, I picked up a cake mix and decorations for Zach's birthday cake. Bailey helped me bake him a cake for his 31st birthday. As you can see, she would rather eat the batter.

Then, we drove to the hospital and waited the arrival of one of our best friends new baby boy. He was born around 8:30 PM with a full head of jet black hair and as cute as he can be!

The day was full of MANY emotions and by the time we got home, I just completely melted. I don't like getting upset in front of Zach so I just hid all of my sadness (after all, it was his birthday so I didn't want to put that on him for sure!) But, Wednesday morning, we got up and around and went back to the hospital to see the baby again. I was a complete mess. I cried the whole time I took a shower. I am SO happy to have a new baby in the "family". We are not biologically family but we are all so close that we consider ourselves family. At the same time, I am SO sad that God hasn't blessed us with another baby yet. I am sure there is a reason but I don't know what it is and honestly, I'm starting to feel like there isn't a good reason. I will love Baby Logan just as much as I love his sister and cousin I just wish I could have a baby too. Zach said that God's plans for us are not the same as others and I know that. But, this pain I feel on a daily basis because my body doesn't work like most other women, is horrible. I know that there is no way for him to understand but for the first time, I actually feel like he cares that I am sad and hurting and that makes a huge difference!

11 months

Until my 30th birthday! It's so far away but SO close! I'm freaking out a little. Not a lot because, after all, I do still have 11 months! But, when Zach and I got married almost 6 years ago, we agreed that we didn't want to be having kids into our 30's. He'll be 31 on Tuesday. So, now, more than ever, I want another baby! Not just for that reason though. I just didn't think having babies would be this hard!

A lot

To talk about. All of this will probably be out of order, but that's ok :)

First, on Saturday, I took Bailey to see my sister, Monica, play in a band contest. It was really fun to get to watch her. I even made this adorable tee shirt for Bailey to wear.

If you are friends with me on facebook, you probably already saw it. I'm quite proud of it since it's the first one I've ever made. Of course, Bailey looked adorable in it and OF COURSE, I didn't take her picture, lol. It took FOREVER to iron on all of those letters but it actually worked once I realized that the directions were WRONG and you had to do it opposite of what they tell you to do. UGH, so annoying!

Also, I've been reading a lot of blogs about baby loss lately. NOT on purpose but because on my blog roll I'll see prayer requests for things like that and it breaks my heart. I want another baby SO badly and reading these make me so thankful for the beautiful child I have already been blessed with. I honestly think that I love Bailey more every day.

Love is very hard for me. I don't know why. I can't just love everyone. I might really like you, but love doesn't just happen for me. It took me a long time to REALLY fall in love with my husband. I loved him but I wasn't in love with him for a long time. I feel the same way about Bailey, when she was born, I loved her. I wanted her. She was everything (and more) that I had prayed for. But, falling in love with her was hard. I have a hard time not viewing everything as a chore. My job, my marriage, parenting, even brushing my teeth is a chore (I do it, don't get me wrong, I just don't like to). Anyway, I have finally realized that these things are not chores. They are blessings. Thank GOD I have a job! When so many people don't. Thank God that I have to clean up more spilled bubbles off of the ottoman becuase without Bailey, I wouldn't be doing that. And, Thank God that Zach and I sometimes argue because I have him. I have someone to be with me for the rest of my life. It hasn't always been rainbows and butterflies but he loves me and I love him too.

Here's another funny thing about love. I want another baby, REALLY REALLY BADLY! I think about "her" all the time. This baby that we don't even have yet, I love her. Already, I dream about her, I have her named. I want her. She's not even here but I know she's coming and I love her. If I didn't have Bailey this would make no sense but because I've experienced the love of a parent, I already love my next child. You might think I'm crazy but I can't wait to hold her in my arms.