It's true. I never read my bible. Wow, I bet all of you think I'm SO super brave to be telling all 7 of you who read my blog this, huh? I have no excuses, this is not some "please tell me it's OK" type of post either. I don't read my bible, I know I should, I don't. In fact, I've been feeling quite convicted about this the last several days.
Here is the current scenario of my life. My stomach hurts. I enjoy almost NOTHING about my life. I live in a CONSTANT state of worry. I'm miserable (not a secret from previous posts). I feel very alone. My job which I once loved, is not fulfilling. It's rewarding, yes! But, I feel that I do so much more than what I'm paid.
Probably the most irrational thing is: I am afraid to give my worries to God. Yes, Afraid. If I surrender my thoughts, worries, and fears what will my life become? What will I worry about? It sounds nuts but it's common (I am sure). I have always had this sense that if I don't worry about things then they will become really bad. If I didn't worry about my unborn baby, she probably would have died. If I didn't worry about my house payment, we probably won't be able to pay it, if I didn't worry about what to cook for dinner then it would probably burn the house down. I'm irrational. I know I am! But I always think about being little and afraid of the dark. Even though mommy and daddy have checked your closet and under your bed and everything looks perfectly normal with the lights on, something about having them off is frightening. It's irrational. Even though you KNOW nothing is going to get you, you still worry about it!
My biggest worry is money (wow, that's a news flash, huh?). I spend a lot of my free time going over numbers, trying to figure out exactly how many pennies we will have left over after our bills are paid. Even when I can see that there is money left over, and I convince myself to feel better, after an hour or so I'm all worked up and stressed again, thinking things such as... there's not enough left-over for an emergency, there's not enough left over to buy ANYTHING extra, there's not enough to put in savings, there's not enough to go out to lunch once a week, there's not enough for gas, there's not enough for groceries, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Part of my problem is that I feel like we don't spend our money the way we should so I feel like God won't take care of us because we don't do everything we should with our money. I must say, we are not destitute! We live in a wonderful, beautiful home, We always have groceries, and we have never not been able to pay our bills, however, I continue to worry that that time will come! It goes back to that, if I don't worry about our finances then it really will get that bad.
But, I cannot continue to live like this.
So, I'm going to start reading my bible. No, I don't think that reading my bible will make money fall out of the sky. But, I feel like there are so many things God has blessed me with and I don't ever give him the time I should. I make a lot of time each day for Facebook. A LOT! I have plenty of time each day to write a blog if I want. I have time each day to watch television but I never seem to have "time" to read my bible and spend time with God. So, instead of some ridiculous new year's resolution to lose 100 pounds, I have resolved (not just for the new year) to try to read my bible every day, to learn more about God, to be at peace with my life, to listen when he speaks, and to live my life how he wants and most importantly, I want to stop worrying about everything. This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. I can tell you how to lose 10 pounds fast (and do it myself) but this, this is going to be hard. So, pray for me and stay tuned for updates on my "spiritual change."