Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I never read my bible.

It's true. I never read my bible. Wow, I bet all of you think I'm SO super brave to be telling all 7 of you who read my blog this, huh? I have no excuses, this is not some "please tell me it's OK" type of post either. I don't read my bible, I know I should, I don't. In fact, I've been feeling quite convicted about this the last several days.

Here is the current scenario of my life. My stomach hurts. I enjoy almost NOTHING about my life. I live in a CONSTANT state of worry. I'm miserable (not a secret from previous posts). I feel very alone. My job which I once loved, is not fulfilling. It's rewarding, yes! But, I feel that I do so much more than what I'm paid.

Probably the most irrational thing is: I am afraid to give my worries to God. Yes, Afraid. If I surrender my thoughts, worries, and fears what will my life become? What will I worry about? It sounds nuts but it's common (I am sure). I have always had this sense that if I don't worry about things then they will become really bad. If I didn't worry about my unborn baby, she probably would have died. If I didn't worry about my house payment, we probably won't be able to pay it, if I didn't worry about what to cook for dinner then it would probably burn the house down. I'm irrational. I know I am! But I always think about being little and afraid of the dark. Even though mommy and daddy have checked your closet and under your bed and everything looks perfectly normal with the lights on, something about having them off is frightening. It's irrational. Even though you KNOW nothing is going to get you, you still worry about it!

My biggest worry is money (wow, that's a news flash, huh?). I spend a lot of my free time going over numbers, trying to figure out exactly how many pennies we will have left over after our bills are paid. Even when I can see that there is money left over, and I convince myself to feel better, after an hour or so I'm all worked up and stressed again, thinking things such as... there's not enough left-over for an emergency, there's not enough left over to buy ANYTHING extra, there's not enough to put in savings, there's not enough to go out to lunch once a week, there's not enough for gas, there's not enough for groceries, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Part of my problem is that I feel like we don't spend our money the way we should so I feel like God won't take care of us because we don't do everything we should with our money. I must say, we are not destitute! We live in a wonderful, beautiful home, We always have groceries, and we have never not been able to pay our bills, however, I continue to worry that that time will come! It goes back to that, if I don't worry about our finances then it really will get that bad.

But, I cannot continue to live like this.
So, I'm going to start reading my bible. No, I don't think that reading my bible will make money fall out of the sky. But, I feel like there are so many things God has blessed me with and I don't ever give him the time I should. I make a lot of time each day for Facebook. A LOT! I have plenty of time each day to write a blog if I want. I have time each day to watch television but I never seem to have "time" to read my bible and spend time with God. So, instead of some ridiculous new year's resolution to lose 100 pounds, I have resolved (not just for the new year) to try to read my bible every day, to learn more about God, to be at peace with my life, to listen when he speaks, and to live my life how he wants and most importantly, I want to stop worrying about everything. This is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. I can tell you how to lose 10 pounds fast (and do it myself) but this, this is going to be hard. So, pray for me and stay tuned for updates on my "spiritual change."


Cena @ Unexpected Necessities said...

Thanks for visiting my blog. I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to get over to read yours. I just read your post, and I have to say that I don't read my Bible like I should, either. It's hard to get alone time to do so. I am so sorry that you are going through a rough time right now. Praying for you!

Brooke said...

I am glad I am not the ONLY one that worries about EVERYTHING..I do try to forget about things(money), but once a thought about it pops in my head my stomach knots up and I can't shake that feeling. You CAN work through this, and God will help! If you need to talk, please e-mail me, or FB me. I do understand what you are feeling, and letting it out does help! Take Care!

Lori said...

I will keep you in my prayers.

I too, should read my Bible a lot more. I think when you get to a point of not being able to handle the worries anymore, it just makes it easier to give it to God. I did that with my infertility, and I feel so much more at peace. Prayer works!!!

God bless!

Anonymous said...

Wow. Who do we know that worries as much as you? Oh that's right...DAD! Is the worry-gene inherited? :) Kidding aside, I wish I could give you some great piece of advice that would make everything better but I can't. However, I will tell you my thoughts about being an avid Bible-reader. I love the Lord. When I lived alone I was constantly lonely. Because I often felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to, I started talking to God - ALL THE TIME. Since I developed this amazing communicative relationship with the Lord, I've learned more about Him than I EVER did through reading my Bible. Think about it this way; someone could learn a lot about me by reading my MySpace blogs. In my blogs, I make myself vulnerable and I don't hold anything back. However, I only blog about once a week or less and my blogs only document very small portions of my life and a few intimate feelings. If someone wants to get to know the real Sheri, they have to talk to me, go to dinner with me, and call me every once in awhile. Reading about someone can provide a lot of information about their character but you can only truly know someone by having a relationship with them. I'm not knocking the whole Bible-reading thing. Do it. It's a beneficial thing. Just make sure you reserve enough energy to talk to God because it is, I think, the most important thing.

I'd even venture to say that a lot of people put too much emphasis on reading the Bible because it's easier than trying to talk to someone you can't see. Any literate person can read the Bible but talking to God takes practice. Developing an open communication type relationship with God is certainly more difficult than reading the Bible but definitely more beneficial.

Hey - as a side note, just this morning I was thinking about how much I love my sisters. I'd do anything for you and Monica and I can't imagine not having you in my life. I love you and hope you can learn to let go of your worries.

- Sheri