Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Denial
I am living in denial. About this baby, that is. I'm not fearful of losing it. I mean, I guess that's not completely true because I think to some extent all mothers have some fear of losing their baby. The feeling I have is more of a disbelief that in 5 1/2 months I am going to have 2 children. What if I love one of them more than the other? What if I push the older one away because she is too rough and I'm tired? What if I have severe post-pardum depression again? What if breastfeeding makes me feel violated like last time and I can't do it? Every time I have these thoughts I think about how most people do not just have one child. We (most of us) start with one and then have more. Before I was married I wanted a whole housefull of kids. I was ALWAYS babysitting and I just knew my life would never be complete without LOTS of kids. But, it's hard. It's very hard to be a mom. And, when Bailey was little and I was so depressed there were honestly days when I didn't think it was worth it. Of course, that was a passing thought but still, I just don't believe that I am about to have 2 children. However, I can feel the one inside me moving around so this must be a passing thought as well...
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I think you'll be fine. You're aware that you are at risk for post-partum and you should definitely let your ob know about that now rather than later. You are an exerienced mother, but don't let that fool you. It always feels new and no matter how many children you have (I have four)you will always wonder is this right. I always felt like I was new at it even though I'd done it before. If you know these things before going in it helps so much. Mothering is the hardest job on the planet and don't let anyone make you feel inadequate because you struggle. We ALL struggle. Find help. It sounds like you've got a great family. I know they would be willing to help. You just have to remember to ask them for it. Even if it feels like they should just know to help. Sometimes people aren't sure if they are more helpful by staying out of your way or if you want them there with you. Let them know!! You will be fine! I'm sure of it!!!
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