(UPDATED) Coming up with a title is the hardest part

I just wanted to add that Zach's grandma passed away this afternoon. Please pray for him and our family.
Thank you.

Every time I sit down to write a blog, I know what I want to say but I can never think of a good title. Anyway, that has nothing to do with today's blog.

I'm a little (ok a WAAAAAY WHOLE LOT) irritated about a situation that happened at work this week. A woman who used to be a teacher at our school (for a long time) retired last year because she is very ill. Over the break, her husband passed away very unexpectedly. when I got the phone call I was completely shocked and very upset for this woman. She is very sweet and I am so sorry that this happened to her, especially in her current health situation. Since she taught the same subject I teach, it was very apparent that the school would like as many of us as could, to go to the funeral. I was prepared to go but... On Christmas Eve, my husband's grandmother was put in the hospital. At first we didn't know the severity of how sick she was. As of right now, she is not doing well AT ALL and isn't expected to live through this week. So, yesterday was the day of the funeral for this woman from work's husband. I told the principal that I wasn't going to go because I would need at least 2 of my 3 bereavement days when Zach's grandmother passes away AND, I have already taken Thursday off because it is Bailey's birthday. So, in order to avoid any more days off work, I would just stay at school yesterday and not go to the funeral. Mind you, if I had said 'YES, I'm going to the funeral, the school was completely prepared to find someone to cover my last 2 classes so that I could go.

So, yesterday, I got a phone call from Zach's mom saying that she wanted to meet Hospice at the Hospital around 1 (same time as the funeral that I am now not attending). I told Zach's mom that I would see if I could leave work so that she could go to the hospital. Since Zach's mom is Baileys ONLY babysitter, if she can't watch Bailey then Zach or I have to stay home with her. I know this sounds like a bad situation but it is VERY rare for his mom to not be able to watch her and if Bailey is sick, I stay home with her anyway. So, I asked work if I could leave at 1 so that Zach's mom could go to the hospital and guess what they said "Sorry! We don't have anyone to cover your class."

SERIOUSLY! But if I had said 3 hours previously that I wanted to attend the funeral then it would have been fine and someone would have covered my class. So, instead, I was at work WITH MY PARA. I seriously think that if they would have found my situation to actualy be a situation there would have been someone to cover my class. It's very irritating because I feel like they get to decide what is an emergency and what is not and the whole time, I was trying to do the right thing by avoiding missing more work. Yes, I realize I'm probably a little more angry about this than I should be but I ALWAYS help out, ALWAYS do whatever I am asked and NEVER complain and then I get the shaft!

Anyway, I'm emotional. I start clomid again this afternoon (Should've started yesterday but the doctor's computers were down so they couldn't call in any prescriptions) yes, I know, that makes no sense to me either. A computer is NOT a phone! They could have called the pharmacy. But, I really like my OB so I'm not going to go switching doctors over this. Anyway, hoping for good baby vibes this time. Though, wouldn't it be neat to have a baby on 11/11/11? But that due date doesn't fit with my cycle anyway (yes, I looked). And, I'd have to wait another month to start trying.

Happier post coming soon about Bailey's 3rd birthday and some Christmas pictures.

~Melody

Clomid cycle 3

I was hoping for this:


But instead we had another:

cycle.

I am really sad. I am a lot more sad than I thought I would be. Even though, I really didn't think I ovulated, I was hopeful. The ONLY good thing is that I started RIGHT on time. I mean, almost to the hour right on time. I don't remember the last time that happened. The other bad news is because today is a holiday, the doctor's office is closed. So, in order to get a clomid refill on time the pharmacy is going to have to get a hold of the doctor for me. And... since this is my 3rd failed cycle, I really wanted a higher dosage and I don't know if the doctor will do it or not.

I'm just sad :(
I know I said I wasn't ready, but the more I think about it, the more I do really want a baby. Bailey will be 3 in 6 days and I think that makes it harder.

How I really feel

I've been struggling with this "issue" for some time. I've posted about this before so it's no secret that we have been trying to have another baby. I just finished my 2nd round of clomid and am now on day 15 with NO signs of ovulating. Not that it won't happen. I know that on clomid it sometimes delays ovulation for a few days. That's not what I'm worried about. I have 2 major fears at the moment.

1. What if I can't have another baby!? For the past 11 weeks, I have been eating better and I lost 25 pounds (actually, I lost 30 but the last 5 were just water because I was trying to win a contest and basically ate nothing for 3 days which was a very bad idea because that 5 pounds came back on in about 3 days). Anyway, for the ENTIRE 11 weeks I had NO cycle. I finally went back on provera to have a withdrawl bleed. Then, on day 5 of my cycle, I started the clomid. I honestly thought that I would FOR SURE be able to easily conceive after dropping so much weight (even though I still have about 50 to go)! And yet, NOTHING. What if something more is wrong and I can't have another baby?

2. I was talking to a friend yesterday and as I said this outloud it finally really hit home. Zach asked me the other night why I want another baby. I've been toying with this question myself. WHY? Why do I want another baby? The truth is, I WANT to WANT another baby. I feel like having another baby would be good for Bailey. She would have someone to play with, she would not be an only child. But honestly, she didn't start sleeping through the night until 5 months ago. I have literally lived the last (almost) 3 years with very little sleep. But I have SO much guilt over the fact that my baby is almost 3 and I haven't given her a sibling yet. I also struggle because I ALWAYS wanted a big family. When I was pregnant, I was already thinking about the children to follow her. But, after she was born, it was hard, REALLY hard, REALLY REALLY hard! I felt like a failure. I KNEW I would be the best mom that ever walked the planet. I had the best ideas, knew the best stuff, and I was going to be perfect. Everyone would want to take after me! But guess what? NOT TRUE! Even though I would die for that little girl, it is SO hard being a mom! So, now I feel very guilty and I pray so hard for another baby. Maybe the next baby will be easier and maybe he/she will help Bailey learn that it's good to share, I'm almost 29, so if I don't have another one soon, will I be able to have one later? This is so hard!

So, even though I would love to have another baby and I would love that baby and I would take good care of that baby, I don't know that I'm actually ready yet. But I feel like, what if God never lets me have another one because I'm not ready now?

description in blog comments

Trip to the doctor

Yesterday, I had to go to my OB/Gyn. It was not a horrible visit since I didn't have to have an exam. But, I haven't had a cycle for 9 weeks. Yes, this has happened to me before and I was prescribed Pro.vera for 10 days to have a withdrawl bleed. I wasn't really sure what withdrawl bleed meant so I Dr. Googled it. Here is what I found out: Basically, a withdrawl bleed is what you have on the 4th week of your cycle when you take birth-control pills. It's not a TRUE period because you didn't ovulate (or shouldn't have with your birth control). Anyway, back to my visit from yesterday. So, I went in, stood on the dreadful scale (which wasn't so dreadful since I've lost 20 pounds) and had a chat with the doctor. She said that because of my severe PCOS the fact that I have lost 20 pounds is phenomenal! Yes, she used that word. She said for someone like me to be able to lose that much weight in 6 weeks is like losing 40 pounds for a normal person who doesn't have PCOS and pre-diabetes. was really happy to hear that. She also said that women who suffer with this condition need to think of their bodies like little compact cars. I was really confused at first because she said I have "super metabolism." WHAT? I thought i had NO metabolism. She explained that my body doesn't need much food to survive. Just like little compact cars don't need much gas to go a long distance. She said I will always struggle to lose weight :( BOO! But that if I only eat 900-1000 calories per day instead of 1500 like normal women my age, that will help. I'm also now on 1500 mg of Met PER DAY! Can you believe that? I'm SO lucky that I can take the 4 dollar generic and that the generic doesn't upset my stomach! I know so many of you who take met have to take the REAL stuff! UGH! And, the "Super Metabolism" thing means that when I eat something, my body works really fast to burn it off but gets "tired" before it can burn them all. SO, if I over eat even with exercise, my body will have a hard time burning those extras. So basically I need to be a bird forever if I want to be thin. Ok, here's the good news. As soon as I start my withdrawl bleed, she is going to call in some clomid. Now that I'm on 1500 mg of Met per day I am HOPING for a BFP soon. Zach wants another baby and said that I was the best mommy ever. He makes my heart happy. I would like to lose between 20-25 more pounds before I get pregnant but since I've lost 20 in 6 weeks, I'm hoping I can lose the other 20 in a couple more months. So, we will probably start trying in January! YEAH! My Bailey was SO good at the doctor yesterday! But, it is SO funny what goes on in her little mind! She thought that the blood pressure cuff was a puppy pee pee pad. I was laughing so hard when she asked why the nurse put a pee pee pad on my arm. HAHAHAHA!

Ducks, money, and weight loss (in no particular order)

I apologize for the lack of posts. I really don't know what to write about these days. Same ol' same ol' for now. I'm still on my low-carb diet. I'll know for sure tomorrow but I think I'm down 19-20 pounds. I had about 2.5 weeks where I just couldn't lose any weight. It was like my body was teasing me with "Are you sure you can do this, can you really do it?" Yeah, I was definitely having internal conflict about it, lol. But, I figured, since I paid the money to be in the competition and I couldn't afford the entry fee in the first place, I MUST finish.

Speaking of money. A lot of things have happened at school lately and I've been asked to give money. I honestly feel very badly for the women who have been affected with cancer and the teachers who have surgery and with all my heart I would love to contribute but I just can't. I get so frustrated when people say "I'm gonna go purchase such and such for so and so and you need to give me X amount of money." Really! I get really frustrated with people who have NEVER been in my situation and never will or who have but it's been so long they have forgotten. The money I have right now is for food and car fuel. I feel bad b/c I know that if it were me they would contribute to whatever it was that I needed but right now, I just can't. Last year when we lived with Zach's parents we always had money and I gave above what was asked of me so hopefully no one expects me to be able to continue to do that. Good news... next paycheck will have us ALL caught up and we will be doing MUCH better from here on out.

Now on to the fun stuff. I took Princess Bailey to the park yesterday and we fed the ducks. It was SO funny to watch her. She was kind of scared b/c they literally flocked us after the first slice of bread made its way down the hill!

Ballerina and painting

We hung about half of our Christmas lights this weekend. It was really funny because the neighbors were driving by and STOPPING to talk to us about our lights. Zach really takes pride in making our house look AWESOME. It was a little nuts to me to be putting them out the day before Halloween but (and don't tell him I told you this) it was kind of fun helping him. I have had a cold for a few days so I had to go in and rest for a little while but I did help some.

We are not really big on Halloween but we did let Bailey dress up and help pass candy out. I tried to take her trick-or-treating around the neighborhood but she really wasn't interested in talking to strangers (aka, neighbors). So, she just wanted to help daddy pass candy out on the front porch. She was SO cute. See for yourself:

This is my favorite one. I love her little (or not so little) thighs!

Last Friday was my dad and my little sister's birthday. Yesterday, I took Bailey to a place called "Purple Glaze" to paint a gift for my dad. She chose a puppy. LOL! Here are a couple pictures of her painting. (and a picture of me in my new glasses). I can see! :) And yes, I know she is a mini-me!

I am so excited to go visit my family back in Arkansas this weekend! We are having a family birthday party for my dad and sister. It should be lots of fun. Oh, and I lost about 1 more pound. Not great but I'm almost down 20 so I'm happy about my overall loss. Have a great week!